What is your biggest fear in romantic relationships?
What is your biggest desire in romantic relationships?
What are you yearning to FINALLY experience??
I’m always amazed at how many people when asked “what’s your ideal relationship?” respond with a list of qualities (often physical features and adjectives of their personality) that they desire in a person. Therefore, my follow-up question is often “Not your ideal person, your ideal RELATIONSHIP”. The question asked was not who you desired to have in your life, but what kind of relationship dynamic (partnership) are desiring to experience - and why? What will be different in your when you have it?
So often, we passively wait for people to come into our space that we happen to feel an attraction towards. Usually from there, we start judging and weighing our current perception of them against our “perfect ideal” (often derived from media/cultural ideals) to see how they seemingly measure up. This process often leads us to making assumptions about the future of the relationship, which inevitably determines which “mask” we wear while interacting with them.
The main problem with this sequence of logic lies in our subjective perception of our new found “partner”. Based on our limited knowledge of them, we make assumptions about the future so that we place them in categories that help us determine which part of ourselves we can/should express to them. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing since we learn about ourselves “in-relation” to others, but it does use up a lot of unnecessary mental and physical energy trying to determine what we should and should not act like. As well as what might or might not happen in the future.
So, what kind of RELATIONSHIP do you TRULY desire to experience? If you could design the relationship realm of your life any way you wanted and knew it would come true, what would you prefer it to look like? And if you had it, what would be different? As in, why do you want it?
With such clarity, you can start focusing on how YOU can create the kind of relationship you want to have, rather than relying on others to read your mind and create it for you.
So, all you amazing men (and women) out there- What kind of relationship are you longing to experience? What’s your deepest desire and what’s one step you can take to start creating that within a relationship?
*P.S. The original quote from the title: "Named first must your fear be, before banish it you can" by Yoda from Star Wars. I took some artistic licence and tinkered with it a little - I think Yoda would have approved.